Speak Life to Your Teenager

If I had to choose only one audience to write for—adults or teenagers—then I would choose teenagers.

Why? Because they’re easier to influence. They are moldable in ways that adults are not.

I first discovered this while writing an article on teen depression. At the time I was writing for parents, but during my interview with the doctor, she made a remark that stirred in me a desire to help a younger audience.

“The reason I love working with children and teenagers,” she said, “is because they’re so resilient. You can change the whole trajectory of their life. Early intervention is key. It’s a lot easier to intervene effectively when they’re young instead of years later, when they’ve been depressed so long the illness becomes incorporated into part of their identity.”

In short, we adults are more resistant to change. We’re more set in our ways, beliefs, and mindsets. Children, on the other hand, are still forming their identities and mindsets. They are what parenting expert Haim Ginott once called “wet cement.”

“Children are like wet cement,” he said. “Whatever falls on them makes an impression.”

Right now, if you’re raising or influencing teenagers, you have a window of opportunity that won’t always exist. Their concrete is still wet; their hearts and minds are still open. They’re being deeply influenced by the people they know, the words they hear, and the events that shape them.

As they grow up, their cement will harden. Their early impressions will solidify and set the stage for their self-perception and worldview. We all want the best for the next generation, and that is why it’s worth considering the marks we leave as we parent them, coach them, teach them, guide them, and impact their lives.

In Ephesians 4:15, God tells us to speak the truth in love. In Proverbs 18:21, He says the tongue has the power of life and death.

But what does this mean? How do we disciple and discipline adolescents—who can be challenging and surly at times—in a way that builds, rather than breaks, their spirit?

The starting point is to have God’s spirit inside us. His spirit enables us to hear Him, reflect Him, control knee-jerk reactions, and recognize wisdom when we hear it.

I’m as guilty as anyone in blurting out the first thoughts that come to mind, and rarely are these my most effective words. My best clarity comes from watching and listening to other adults who speak the truth in love well and learning from their example.

Donald Miller once said, “Nobody will listen to you unless they sense that you like them.” What widens the gap between adults and teenagers is when we try to give lessons, advice, or lectures without love.

Without love, nothing will resonate. We won’t speak their heart. Only when they sense that we genuinely like them and care will we have a shot at getting through.

Following are phrases that I believe speak life to teenagers:

“How can I pray for you this week?”

“You can do hard things. I believe in you.”

“You are a gift. Know your worth and never settle for a bad relationship.”

“I love you, and nothing you do or tell me can make you lose my love.”

“Thank you for making good choices. I know it’s not easy.”

“Have a vision for your life, and make choices that help you get there.”

“I’m so thankful God chose me as your mom. I’d take a hundred kids like you.”

“God has a great plan for your life, and today is just one chapter in a much bigger story.”

“You are enough. You have nothing to prove.”

“These are the strengths I see in you.”

“Do your best – and leave the results to God.”

“You only get one body in life, so be kind to it. Make healthy choices that help you feel strong and good about yourself.”

“You have the rest of your life to drink. Don’t rush it.”