Coaching Your Daughter Through Friend Drama

Years ago, I spoke to some fifth-grade moms about teaching our daughters to build each other up.

I’d just been to a University of Alabama gymnastics meet, and what stood out to me was how these gymnasts cheered as their teammates did crazy acrobatics.

Every time a girl nailed a tumbling pass, her teammates went berserk on the sidelines, screaming and jumping up and down. All I could think was how different our world would be if girls could always join forces like this and see themselves as part of the same team.

One mom, a successful entrepreneur, raised her hand when I finished and said, “Ladies, we’ve got to teach this to our daughters now. I have 50 female employees, and we just had to have a big pow-wow over this very issue. These are grown women who can’t get along, and it creates a very unpleasant work environment.”

It hit me then why it’s essential to teach our daughters early how to deal with drama and conflict. Little girls who can’t get along become big girls who can’t get along. As they get older, the problems and stakes rise higher.

How well we coach our daughters through the ups and downs of relationships has long-term consequences. It could make all the difference in whether they succeed or fail in their friendships, their marriage, and even their careers.

Through my work, I meet a lot of moms and daughters, and one conclusion I’ve drawn is that every community faces the same issues. The most common dilemma I see and hear about is the deep pain that evolves when girls hurt other girls.

It happens to everyone. It happens because we live in a broken world where nobody is perfect and where people tend to be self-focused, thinking a lot about how others make them feel, yet giving little thought to how they make others feel.

We also have a mean culture where people get applauded for being funny even if their jokes or sarcasm are at someone else’s expense.

Most of all, we forget how to love each other. Without love, no one feels safe, and without safety, the instinct for self-preservation kicks in…and the new mindset becomes “If this is good for me, who cares what it means for anyone else?”

So, what is a girl mom to do? How do you respond when your daughter comes home and bursts into tears over a social devastation or when she starts hating school (or losing self-esteem) because she feels like she has no real friends? Every situation is unique, and some problems may be out of your league and require professional help. Some situations may warrant a conversation with a teacher or coach.

Typically, however, you can comfort and empower your daughter at home. Here are 8 pointers to get you started so you can become her safe place and sounding board.