When my daughters were little, I broke up many sibling fights.
It wore me down, and it wore me out. It also broke my heart because what mom doesn't dream of her children being close?
Now that my girls are older, they are close, and big fights are rare. But for several years of their childhood, I dreaded summer because too much "together time" provided ample opportunity to pick fights, get on each other's nerves, and feel far too comfortable being blunt and ugly with their words.
If your kids are in a fighting phase, hang in there! Keep doing the hard work of helping them resolve conflict and make peace.
We can't make our kids love each other, but we can teach them to be respectful and kind. We can correct the unbecoming behavior that happens in every family — and the lazy social filters that quickly lead to hurt feelings, tension, and arguments.
Here are 4 pointers to create a kinder culture at home:
1. Remind your children to ask themselves three questions before speaking: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
While it may be true that her sister’s handwriting is sloppy, is it necessary to say that? While some truths should be voiced, others are best left unsaid. Helping your kids discern the difference of what is and isn’t necessary can prevent many tears.
2. Remind them to speak the truth in love.
There is a tactful way to say everything, and developing a social filter is really a matter of speaking the truth in love. Instead of telling their brother, “You’re so annoying!” they can say, “It bothers me when you keep doing that. Will you please stop so I can concentrate?” Kids who speak tactfully, and calmly, are more likely to be heard.
3. Model kindness.
How we talk to our kids (and spouses) sets the bar of kindness. How can we expect our kids to not yell at each other when we yell at them? We all lose our temper at times, but being quick to apologize helps our children self-reflect too and apologize when they cross the line.
4. Try toothpaste to make your point.
In my book “10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know,” I shared a trick from my friend.
One day when her daughters were bashing each other, she took them into the bathroom and gave them toothpaste. She told them to squirt their toothpaste into the sink.
Once the toothpaste was out, she told them to put it back into the tube. They couldn’t, of course, which led to her point: The words we speak are like toothpaste. Once they’re out, they’re out. Think twice before making a mess you can’t put back in.
What helped me survive summers of constant fighting was remembering how conflict is a part of life.
My kids’ fights presented many opportunities to teach the social skills I knew they’d need to make friends (and keep friends) in the real world. They jumpstarted key conversations about peacefully coexisting with different personalities…and appreciating what each person adds to a group dynamic.
Most siblings argue, and it takes time and maturity to find their rhythm. Mediate fights when necessary, establish ground rules and, if all else fails, stock up on toothpaste. Give them a bathroom memory they won’t forget—and one they’ll laugh about forever as they reminisce on their childhood and the drastic measures Mom took to make them get along!
Below is a printable for paid subscribers: Before You Speak, Ask Yourself: Is it Kind? Is It True? Is it Necessary? to hang up in your child’s bathroom after the toothpaste lesson (or in your classroom if you’re a teacher). Let it stand as a friendly reminder to grow a “social filter” and use words for good.
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