20 Ways to Grow a Relationship with Your Teenage Daughter

From Love Her Well book

People often talk about teenage girls as if they’re all nightmares. Many conversations and articles about teen girls only perpetuate this mindset.

I’m not a Pollyanna, and I know the words often used to describe this demographic— self- centered, dramatic, gossipy, clueless, moody, rude, angsty, forgetful, sassy, mean— hold truth in certain moments.

It bothers me, however, when we settle for this script and believe this stage of a girl’s life is hopeless. Society conditions us to expect the worst, and for too many people the attitude becomes, “Teenage girls are difficult and fight constantly with their moms. What can anybody do?”

Actually, there is a lot we can do. Relationships take work, and even when we disagree with our daughters, we can learn to disagree well and find healthy ways to work through conflict. We can refuse to accept that their final years at home must be miserable or tense.

Here are ideas to enhance that connection.

1. Take the lead.

Your daughter’s mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and worries, and chances are, she thinks more about friends, school, boys, and life than she thinks about you. If there’s a problem, it’s up to you to make the first move. You can’t change her, but you can change your response to her and establish a new dynamic.

Mother Angelica said,

“Not getting along with someone is a two- way street, and many times if one of you is willing to change, the whole relationship can change. I think that’s true of any kind of friendship, particularly with negative personalities. Somebody has to get in there and begin the healing. As long as two people are fighting nothing good will happen— and we shouldn’t expect the other person to change first.”

I’ve been through rough patches with several teen daughters. What always helps me is to (1) give it time and be patient as necessary struggles play out and (2) do my part. Rough patches drive me to God and amplify my prayer life. They remind me to trust Him with the heart work and legwork that can lead me and my daughters to a better place.

2. Learn from your mistakes.

I’m a creature of habit, so I like routines, but I’m learning to adjust my sails when I notice unhealthy dynamics.

It’s often through mistakes that I find a better way. I take note of what helps my relationship with my girls (disciplining out of love, explaining the logic behind rules and boundaries, standing strong and united with my husband, apologizing when I’m wrong, pointing out their strengths, using humor when possible, showing empathy, and listening) and what hurts the relationship (disciplining out of anger, getting too lax or lazy, excessive questioning, criticizing, yelling, and not listening).

Though every child is different, some actions work across the board. They are all rooted in love and focus on long-term well-being.

3. Be concise.

Once my girls became teenagers, they stopped listening after thirty seconds of any “life lesson” I gave.

Apparently, this is common. Another mom of four girls said that her oldest daughter told her, “I like going to Dad when I need advice because he is more concise.”

Ouch! (Did I mention how a sense of humor is a must when raising teens?)

Generally speaking, men are more concise. Brevity is their strength, and while some women are certainly succinct, many of us get chatty. We unload too many thoughts at once, and the gems get lost in the shuffle.

So, rather than deliver dissertations, I aim to be brief, sharing key truths and messages in ten words or less.

I also aim to ask fewer (and better) questions. As a mom ahead of me admitted, her daughter shuts down if she probes too deeply on any given subject. Their running joke is, “That’s three questions, Mom. You’ve hit your limit.”

This mom has learned to carefully consider the three questions she’s allowed to ask.

Since teenagers are busy, your time with your daughter is valuable. Talking in shorter spurts ensures that your message is heard and gives her a chance to speak. This allows wisdom to flow both ways and builds a trust that can lead to deeper and longer dialogue.