15 Ways to Deepen Your Connection with Your Teen

We live in a world where people talk about teenagers as if they’re all a nightmare.

Many articles and conversations perpetuate the parenting mindset that raising little ones is our peak experience…and it’s all downhill from there.

I’m not a Pollyanna, and I know that the words often used for teenagers (selfish, moody, angsty, rude, forgetful, sassy, etc.) hold truth in certain moments.

But it bothers me when we settle for this script. It saddens me to think that anyone would believe our best hope is to just “survive” them.

Frankly, I want more with my girls, and I’ve discovered that aiming for more makes the teenage years more purposeful and fun.

The fact is, relationships take work. Yet even in difficult seasons, even when we disagree with our teenager and keep butting heads, we can find healthy ways to relate and connect. We can refuse to accept the narrative that their final years at home must be miserable or constantly tense.

Here are 15 ways to deepen your connection with your teenager during their most impressionable years. (for more, check out my book LOVE HER WELL).

1. Take the lead.

Your teenager’s mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and worries, and chances are, they aren’t thinking about you like you think about them.

They aren’t sitting around wondering, “I wonder what’s going on with my mom? What’s making her pull away? What can I do to be closer and more connected to her? How can I fix this tension?”

If there’s a problem in your relationship, it’s up to you to make the first move. You can’t change your child, but you can change your response to your child and establish a new dynamic.

As Mother Angelica said:

“Not getting along with someone is a two-way street, and many times if one of you is willing to change, the whole relationship can change. I think that’s true of any kind of friendship, particularly with negative personalities. Somebody has to get in there and begin the healing. As long as two people are fighting nothing good will happen— and we shouldn’t expect the other person to change first.”

I’ve been through rough patches with three teenage daughters. What always helped me was to (1) give it time and (2) do my part. Rough patches drive me to God and amplify my prayer life. They remind me to trust Him with the heart work and legwork I should do to repair what is damaged or broken.

2. Learn from your mistakes.

Most of us are creatures of habit. We fall into routines and forget that change is possible.

With teenagers, however, you’ve got to adjust your sails. You’ve got to keep a pulse on what works and what doesn’t go well.

It’s usually through mistakes that I find a better way. It’s through my mistakes that I’ve noted what helped my relationship with my girls (disciplining out of love, explaining the logic behind rules and boundaries, standing strong and united with my husband, apologizing when I’m wrong, pointing out their strengths, using humor when possible, showing empathy, and listening) and what hurt my relationship (disciplining out of anger, getting too lax or lazy, excessive questioning, criticizing, yelling, and not listening).

While every child is different, some actions work across the board. They’re all rooted in love and focus on long-term well-being.

3. Be concise.

As my girls became teenagers, they stopped listening after 30 seconds of any “life lesson.”

This is very common. Another mom of four girls admitted that her daughter once told her, “When I need advice, I like going to Dad because he’s more concise.”

(Friendly reminder here to keep a sense of humor when you are raising teens!)

Generally, men are more concise. Brevity is their strength, and while some women are succinct, many of us get chatty. We unload too many thoughts at once, and the gems get lost in the shuffle.

So, rather than deliver dissertations, I aim to be brief. I try to speak in sound bites.

I also ask fewer (and better) questions. As a mom ahead of me once said, her child shuts down if she probes too deeply on any given subject. Their running joke is, “That’s three questions, Mom. You’ve hit your limit.”

This mom carefully considers the three questions that she’s allowed to ask.

Since teenagers are busy, your time together is limited. Talking in shorter spurts ensures that you’re heard — and allows them to speak. It leads to better and deeper dialogue.