10 Ways to See the Good in Your Teenager
"Effective parents are those who can remember what it was like to live in the scary world of those adolescent years and display the mercy that they once needed themselves as a teen." Paul Tripp
It’s sad but true that our modern-day world thrives on negativity.
We have all-day news channels devoted to doom and gloom, and on the daily, we get inundated with viral videos that bust people for misbehaving.
But here’s what rarely gets attention: catching people at their best. Celebrating what people do right. Changing someone’s heart as they realize how good it feels to be seen in a positive light.
I’ve been as guilty as any mom of trying to “perfect” my teenagers. A ticking clock inside my head tells me time is running out; I have only a few more years to “fix” them and prepare them for life. The pressure feels intense because their future is on the line, and as I watch other parents launch their kids, I feel an urgency in my heart.
This triggers anxiety in me. It makes me spring into action before going to God in prayer and asking Him to take the lead.
I’ve also been guilty of seeing my daughters as extensions of me. At times I project my thoughts, emotions, and experiences on them. I want to save them from my mistakes and heartaches, give them opportunities I wish I’d had, and calm my fears by taking control.
As I do this, I miss who they are. When I treat my daughters as my second chance, I fail to see them as unique individuals meant to live their own lives.
Sissy Goff and Melissa Trevathan, in their book The Back Door to Your Teen’s Heart, explain a common mother-daughter dynamic:
“Adolescent daughters bring to light the insecurities of their mothers . . . For women, the insecurity can turn into a critical view of their daughters. Mothers often see their daughters as extensions of themselves. They expect their daughters to be a perfected version of themselves.”
Wow. Profound, right? The truth hurts, but facing uncomfortable truths is where real growth begins. Nobody wants a mother who is never satisfied, and nobody enjoys the company of someone who expects perfection.
So how do we do our job as moms, setting a high yet realistic bar, and still make our teenagers feel loved? How do we see the good as we deal with eye rolls, attitudes, selfishness, mood swings, a critical spirit, power struggles, rebellion, sass, irritability, drama, smart mouths, short tempers, and defiance — instead of simply wanting to ground them for the rest of their lives?
By stepping away from the microscope to see the bigger picture. Here are some thoughts to adjust that view.
1. Be quick to point out what your teenager does right.
When your teenager takes a step in the right direction, applaud them. Let them know how you see them helping their little brother with a math problem, laughing with the neighbor, putting away laundry, playing their heart out in a game, or working hard on a project. Even praise like “Your brother is lucky to have you” or “You showed class tonight and made me so proud” will stick and impact their self-image and future choices.
2. Love your teenager as they are.
I’ve heard it said, “Raise the child you have, not the child you want.” This is great advice because many of us go into parenting with preconceived notions and fantasies. We want our kids to be like us, only better.
Since God has a sense of humor, He often gives us the opposite. A social butterfly mom may have an introverted daughter. Super-athletic parents may have a child who enjoys art and poetry.
When you can celebrate your child’s personality without wishing for them to change or be more like you, that’s a pivotal moment. It shows that you’ve matured.
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