10 Ways to Love Your Teenager

When my daughter became a teenager, she sometimes did something that baffled me.

It happened when she was tired or had just woken up. She’d stand in front of me, drop her head, and not say a word. When I asked a question, she’d mumble or shrug. I could tell she wanted something, but I didn’t know what.

And then one day it hit me. I noticed her body leaning toward me, ever so slightly, and waiting for me to respond. I realized then that what she wanted was something I hadn’t given her in a while.

A big maternal hug.

After this epiphany, I formed a plan game. I knew what I needed to do when she planted her body in front of me. You want a hug, kid? Well, I’ll show you a hug that you’ve never seen!

I’d wrap my arms around my daughter and hold her as tightly as I could. I'd embrace her as long as she let me.

I knew my instincts were right when my daughter relaxed in my arms. In these moments, I was her safe place. I was a source of comfort when she felt tired and weary.

Sometimes she didn’t hug me back. Sometimes it felt kind of odd to make such an effort with no response. But I didn’t take this personally because I knew the hidden truth. She still craved my love and affection, but she didn’t want to ask or tell me what she really needed.

It's easy to forget this as our children grow up. When they're small, we distribute hugs and kisses freely because they’re so cuddly and cute. They run to us with outstretched arms, making it hard to resist them as we sweep them up and kiss them all over the place.

But as they mature, they want space and privacy. They stop running to the door when we come home and giving us the rock-star treatment. And as hormones kick in, their cues get harder to read. We aren’t always sure when to draw closer…or when to back off and give them space.

This is why I try to love my teens well regardless of whether they love me back. I try to show affection even when it’s not reciprocated. After all, that's the essence of unconditional love. That is how we love our children with no strings attached.

Showing love to a teenager without cramping their style isn't always easy, but here are 10 simple ways to show them that you care.

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1. Listen. The older our kids get, the more important it is to listen. We have no idea what it’s like to be a teenager today – or to be our child – and the only way to understand is by listening and asking good questions.

Teenagers want to know that their thoughts and opinions matter. Sometimes we have to take off our parenting hat and let them talk freely, honestly, and without fear of getting in trouble.

I know a father who used to have “car time” with his teenage son whenever they got in a heated debate. They’d ride around the neighborhood to hash things out. During this car time, his son could say anything. But once the ride was over, so was the discussion. The dad would make his final call – and sometimes he changed his mind after hearing his son out.

Teenagers have a lot to figure out. They need sounding boards and mentors. When we listen well, they're more likely to come to us with bigger issues, questions, and problems down the road.

2. Treat them with dignity and respect. Donald Miller said, “People won’t listen to you unless they sense you like them.” This is especially true with teenagers, who know when we speak from a place of love.

Parents love to commiserate about the misery of raising teenagers, and while some complaints hold truth, they don't build trust or good will. If you overheard your parents griping about you, would you open up? Would you want to be close or would you put up a wall and save your best behavior for someone who appreciates it?

The Golden Rule applies to adolescents, too. Since overt criticism doesn’t make anyone feel loved, it’s safe to assume that a teenager feels the same.

3. Love their friends. As our teenagers pull away from us, they gravitate more toward friends. The influence of their closest friends magnifies. Anyone important to my child is someone I want to know, and it’s worth investing time and energy into building a relationship with them. It’s also really fun!

4. Spend time together. One perk of having older kids is enjoying their company like we would an old friend. When it comes to engaging our teens, the options are endless, and a good place to start is doing what they love – activities like hiking, watching movies, skiing, cooking, exercising, doing yoga, going to concerts, eating at cool restaurants, travelling, playing sports, etc.

Every family is different, and whatever “thing” we bond over with our teenager can go a long way in building memories and also trust.

5. Surround them with empowering adults. It's been said that it takes five adults consistently present in a child’s life to help raise a healthy child. While parents undeniably have the greatest influence, there comes a day when our kids realize we have to love them. We’re biased because they’re ours.